


The Darkness of Tunnel Vision

by SkyChasingDreamer



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Arguing, Best Friends, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, Growing Up, Holding Hands, Loneliness, M/M, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-28
Updated: 2014-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-10 10:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1158347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyChasingDreamer/pseuds/SkyChasingDreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hijikata goes away for college and doesn't expect it to be so hard to be away from what he knows and loves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Darkness of Tunnel Vision

**Author's Note:**

> For Lavi, this was only supposed to be three pages or so LOL LAUGH WITH ME -- AERO SUCKS AT SHORT FICS AHAAA

Hijikata has butterflies in his stomach. Angry, raging butterflies because he's nervous and excited and maybe, somewhere in the very pit of his gut, a little bit scared. He's honestly not afraid of much, not really, but _this_ , this is huge. This changes everything and it's all for a good reason, but it's still pretty overwhelming as a whole. He typically embraces trying new things, but... he's never really had to do it on his own before, not with something so altering.

“You're sure you have everything?”

Hijikata nods at his brother. “Pretty sure.”

“If you forget something I can always send it to you.”

“Right, thanks.”

Most all of the other passengers have boarded, there's only him and his little cluster of people. His brother and his wife, Kondo, Yamazaki, Mitsuba, and Sougo had been there, but he'd gotten kicked off the platform for suspicious behavior. The train gives its final call and he tears his eyes away from the tunnel they'd walked from to pick up his duffel bag and sling it over his shoulder. There's hugs all around again and well wishes from each, but he can't stop his eyes from flicking back to the tunnel. He appreciates all of them being there, he has been friends with them for years, longer than he can remember with Kondo, but there's one notably missing. He checks his phone one more time, there's nothing, the train whistles at him, he has to go.

Waving – and with one last hug from Mitsuba because she's nice and happy for him – he boards the train that will take him away for college. It's his first semester there and his summer break had gone by way too fast. No one else he knows is going to this school, it's just him, and it's going to be such a drastic change. Everything he's used to, he's leaving behind. A consolation is that he'd had an amazing summer filled with a lot of things he loves and won't forget.

He finds a seat, the car he's in is relatively empty, not many people must be into traveling so early in the morning. He can see everyone from his window, they're talking, Yamazaki is laughing and shoving at Kondo's shoulder, Mitsuba looks lovely, as always, and Hijikata is tempted to get right back off the train. He knows he can't and he's no coward, but the tumultuous voice in his head telling him how much he's going to miss this is getting louder and louder each time it allows itself to speak. Rubbing a hand over his face, he looks down at his duffel and kicks it under the seat before pulling his backpack into his lap. From it he extracts his headphones and his fingers pause to slide along the old cigar box his brother had given him when he was a kid. It's where he keeps little trinkets he deems significant and photos he feels are important enough to keep a copy of. He can't say he's much into sentimentality, but there are some things entirely worth keeping and cheesy as it might be, his heart always lets him know what those things are.

The train is gearing up to start moving when there's a knock on the window and Hijikata whips his head up, dropping his headphones that slip forgotten right out of his fingers. Gintoki is standing there, right outside, and he's panting, his brow is sweaty, idiot must have run here. Hijikata can't be anything but grateful for it even if he'd rather have been able to spend time with his best friend before he left rather than mere seconds as the train lurches. Gintoki holds up a finger as if expecting the train to wait for him and starts writing something on his hand, which he slaps up against the glass when he's done.

 _Good luck, asshole_.

Gintoki gives him a stupid grin and though Hijikata doesn't exactly return the smile, he never does, he doesn't smile like that ever, but the corners of his lips _do_ turn up just a little. And as the train begins to pull away, he has to scoff because of course Gintoki is the dumbass that tries to run after it. He's got that smile on his face and when he can't keep up, he waves, and Hijikata watches him, even stands up to keep watching until he can't see anymore. He feels lighter, better, more ready for what he's about to face.

But with each hour the feeling becomes dimmer and dimmer and by the time the train stops, it's completely gone.

-o-O-o-

The next chance Hijikata gets to come back is during holiday break, but it's only for a few days. He has a job near his tiny apartment that's only a fifteen minute walk from campus and it's nice, it works. He's busy a lot – makes sure to keep himself that way – and calls his brother at least once a week, maybe more if he can. His friends he keeps in contact with through texting and the occasional phone call, he's awful with social media websites and everyone knows it.

He communicates with Kondo the most, only because Hijikata gets Otae updates throughout each day, and it's through Kondo that he finds out how Sougo is doing. Other than that, Gintoki is the only other one he really talks to. Every couple days there's a text and they've done a few phone calls, all generic stuff, everyday things, how they'd talk if they were hanging out like they always used to. Phone calls and texts aren't the same though and they both know it, they just don't say it. Neither of them are very good at keeping up with that stuff, that's why it's not an everyday thing like seeing each other used to be.

That's why avoidance is so important and keeping busy, preoccupied, is a must. Classes are going well, he has a full schedule, but he hasn't made many new friends. He's not good at meeting new people, he never has been. He looks grumpy half the time and mean at best the other half, it's amazing he has any friends at all, really. His days consist of either going to class and then work or going to work and then class. He leaves early, gets back to the apartment late. His schedule is meticulously done that way, purposefully crafted to leave him very little spare time and make him so tired he has no energy to think at night when he falls into bed.

But now he's back home for a bit and his routine is shattered. He has too much time to think and sit, but he does enjoy the time with his family. He spends as much time as he can with his brother and it's great when Kondo comes by to hang with him everyday. He texts Gintoki off and on – he's busy with work, a seasonal holiday job – but it's so... lacking compared to how they are when they're together. It makes Hijikata's chest ache thinking about it, so he goes back into avoidance mode and makes himself busy with a lot of little things that he makes last so that they seem larger than they are. Like doing the dishes or vacuuming, both tiny things, but he drags them out and pretends they really are some kind of task even though they're not.

Avoidance only goes so far, though, and on his last full day, Hijikata can't use preoccupation as an excuse anymore. Kondo comes over mid-afternoon to get him and together they walk to a local diner where they all used to meet up when they could throughout the week. There's quite a few people, friends and acquaintances, but the one his eyes land on first, who he'd subconsciously been seeking out, is Gintoki.

He's already grinning at Hijikata and his hair is as unruly as ever in all its permy glory. He's dressed nice, a lot nicer than Hijikata can remember when just spending time with friends, but he looks good, healthy. His jeans are pretty form fitting and his black button down top with red trim is loose at the bottom, a couple of the buttons not secured so it shows off a little bit of skin. Hijikata only notices because the clothes are new, he is... or, at least he _used_ to be, well versed with Gintoki's wardrobe since he never had much selection.

But greeting Gintoki and spending only the first scant seconds with him, the only thing that has changed is the clothes. Gintoki is the same, even having that time apart with so little contact, they haven't changed. It's like their friendship picks right back up where it left off and they tease each other and hit each other and fill each other in and Hijikata feels more animated and expressive than he has in months. It's that breath of fresh air after sitting in a small, closed off room too long.

It's the best night.

Not to be misunderstood, Hijikata loves being with his brother and spending time with family, that can't be said enough, but he can't compare that to this – having his friends all together, messing around, not thinking about anything else except the here and now, he has fucking missed this.

They eat at the diner and toss fries at each other to see who can catch the most in their mouth. Kagura is deemed the winner, but just because she's the only one that can still keep going after everyone else is full. They go out and walk to the park after that, their journey doubling in time because a snowball fight ensues. It probably wouldn't have occurred at all had Sougo's snowball hit Hijikata like it was supposed to, but instead it had slammed into Otae's face and the combined force of Otae's wrath, Kyuubei's fervor, and Kondo's lust for vengeance became a snowball fight none of them were likely to ever forget. Some of them might even have PTSD because of it.

Hijikata and Gintoki are side by side every step of the way, just how they used to be. Their shoulders brush as they walk and Gintoki tells Hijikata about the different jobs he has had since summer ended. It seems like he enjoys jumping from job to job, each different from the last, and Hijikata likes hearing about it all. How much they have to catch up on only proves the fact that they are both pieces of shit about keeping in touch. Finding the right words can be so hard and a lot of their communication comes from looks and gestures and just the general _presence_ of the other. It's talking without words, it can't be explained and doesn't need to be when they understand so well together.

It has been nice being out among familiar things and places again. He hasn't left the house much since arriving, there hasn't been any real need and the weather being so cold makes Hijikata even more dormant and antisocial. If it weren't for the temperature, they would have stayed in the park longer, but as it is, they keep going and end up collectively deciding on Kyuubei's house. It's a nice place with a basement outfitted for entertainment, that's why they tend to end up there.

Gintoki has gotten Hijikata and himself a couple of beers from the mini fridge and that's where the group of them relax. Hijikata sheds some of his layers until he's down to his long sleeved shirt – he's prone to getting cold – and the afternoon flies by. Five to seven, eleven, past midnight, every time Hijikata happens to glance at a clock it's way later than he thought it should be, which makes him double check on his phone. Each time, it's always later than he wants it to be.

Music plays from the stereo, he and Gintoki team up for rounds of pool, they float from group to group or stand off on their own, and at one point after an incident between Zaki and Kondo and a beer bottle, Hijikata has to shove his face into Gintoki to mute his unexpected laughter. The sound is foreign to him, that's how long it has been since he laughed like this, and he hates that. It's in his personality not to laugh or smile much, but to forget the sound of it, to let the dust collect that much, it's sad. But he can't be sad now because Gintoki's laughter has been surrounding him all night and the sound of them laughing together is like meeting an old friend again.

However, they can't stay at Kyuubei's forever and by one Hijikata is standing with Gintoki on the second story porch at his brother's place. He's smoking a cigarette, well, actually, he's sharing it. It's the last one of his pack and somewhere in the time he and Gintoki have known each other it became a custom for them to share the last one. Hijikata won't admit that he has a pile of cigarettes in one of his drawers back at the apartment. They're all the last ones of each pack he has had and he tells himself it's stupid and he should just smoke them, but he never does. In the drawer they go and after that, he doesn't look at them again. He's so pathetic that he won't even throw the fucking things away.

It's cold and they can see their breaths coming out in puffs in front of them. This has to be the slowest cigarette Hijikata has ever smoked in his life, but he can't be blamed for not wanting the night to be over yet. And Gintoki must feel the same because when it's his turn, he takes his drags quick and short, barely getting a lungful. Hijikata is back to being a bundled up mass, but that doesn't keep the cold from seeping in. It's taking him over, slowly and surely, there's no fighting it off. He can feel the impending moment, can tell time is ticking away, crushing in on him.

Kondo is downstairs with Otae, Kagura, and Shinpachi, waiting in the warmth, waiting for Gintoki to come back down so they can leave. Kondo lives in the same direction as them and will never pass up the opportunity to spend more time with Otae. This is the part where Gintoki would usually send them off and just stay at Hijikata's. They'd stay up late and play video games and goof off and Gintoki would ask stupid questions or make outlandish speculations like how the moon would look different if it were made of parfait instead of cheese.

But it doesn't work out that way this time. Of all the things for Gintoki to be busy with, he's house sitting for a neighbor and they have pets that need to be let out and watched. It fucking sucks, but Hijikata won't say so. It'll only make things worse if Hijikata breathes a word of how much he'd rather Gintoki stay and they shoot the breeze and have a couple more beers. Just a little more time, that's all he wants.

“Gin-san!”

“Be down in a minute!” Gintoki calls, leaning on the rail, and looks back at Hijikata. “You said you leave in the morning?”

“Yeah, too early for your lazy ass.”

Gintoki huffs a laugh and scuffles a foot in a little drift of snow covering the porch, it crunches beneath his boot. Ash falls off the cigarette between Hijikata's fingers, it's used up, but he doesn't stub it out, that seems too final. He's willing to even pretend to smoke it and use the cold to pretend there's actually smoke coming out of his mouth instead of just his breath. The hourglass of time Hijikata keeps picturing in his head keeps dwindling down and the hairs on the back of his neck rise when he hears more than sees Gintoki turn toward him from his peripherals.

For as long as Hijikata has known Gintoki, he has always been good at hiding things. Not from Hijikata, he sees right through Gintoki's fronts. He might not be able to tell what's underneath sometimes, but he knows when Gintoki is covering something up or not being totally honest. It'd taken him awhile to know what to look for, but it has always been something Hijikata has deemed wholly worth learning.

But when he looks at Gintoki now, it's the first time in years and years that Hijikata can't tell what's going on behind his eyes. He can't decipher if there's a mask, but he thinks Gintoki must have one up because it doesn't appear that he's feeling any one thing at all. His face is carefully blank, too blank, and there's a spear of self-doubt and terror that Hijikata has somehow lost the ability to understand his best friend on some level. Gintoki is never truly empty, never ever void of all emotion, that's not the type of person he is at all. In fact, most of the time, Gintoki feels too much, though he never lets on just how much he feels. This is the guy that once stopped oncoming traffic to herd a duck and her seven little duckling across the road safely. He'll deny he ever did it, but Hijikata was there, he _knows_.

Or... he knew. Hijikata is startled he can't tell what's going on and no matter how much searching he does, he can't peel back whatever Gintoki has put in place. His stomach starts sinking, an anchor going down, and his fingers are numb, he can't feel the cigarette crumpled tightly between two. But right when he thinks he'll start to drown and flounder, Gintoki has stepped forward into him and wrapped both arms around his waist.

After the shortest of moments and a hitch of breath, Hijikata drops the cigarette and throws his arms around Gintoki's shoulders. They don't hug, they've never had a hugging type of friendship even with how affectionate and touchy Gintoki can be, but when Hijikata's heart is pounding and he lets out a shuddering breath because there's a lump in his throat and his head is full of all the things he has been missing since he left... he hugs Gintoki back.

“Take care of yourself,” Gintoki says softly and Hijikata closes his eyes.

He nods into Gintoki's shoulder and croaks out a low, “You, too.”

His face is flushed and the cold isn't getting to him like it had before. For these brief seconds he's younger, he's playing sports with his friends, everyone is around, nearby for him to see whenever he wants, he's sleeping in his own bed, he's sneaking out of the house late at night to go to a party and getting caught the next day because nothing gets passed Tamegoro, and most glaringly, he has Gintoki with him through all of it.

It even occurs to him in this flash bomb of thoughts that Gintoki might have an inkling that Hijikata isn't doing so well on his own. It's not because he can't do it, it's that loneliness is the most bitter of pills and there's no one in this world or the next that knows that better than Gintoki. So, maybe Gintoki can sense it somehow, can sniff out the traces of loneliness because he's recognizing something he knows within himself. That might be a crazy idea, but it whips right through Hijikata's head as he holds on and tries to push the hourglass from his mind – it's almost out of sand.

Gintoki moves and they both pull back a bit, enough so that for a second their clouds of breath crash together and morph into one another. The pause here is too long, it's significant, but Hijikata can't fathom it. In reality, it's not that long, a couple seconds at most, but it feels longer and he's glad for that even though he doesn't know what it means.

“Gin-san! Did you get lost?” Kagura's voice comes up again.

“Get your ass down here!” That's Otae.

“On my way!”

Gintoki doesn't linger, that would only makes it worse. Maybe that's why Gintoki had been late to the train station last time, he'd thought it would have been better for them both if it were quick like it was, like a bandaid, it's hard to say. But Hijikata doesn't move from the porch, the cold suddenly feels good, it gives him something to blame for his trembling. He waits for the sounds of the door opening, the crunch of snow beneath feet, and the rise of familiar voices. It's probably bad manners to not see them to the door, but he can't bring himself to move and really, Kondo and Gintoki are close enough to him to just come and go as they please, they don't need an escort.

“Bye, Tosshi!” Kondo yells back to him and he waves.

Hijikata watches them go, holding his breath, and he only lets it come steaming out when Gintoki half-turns with a huge grin and waves goodbye. The smile is familiar, he recognizes it and how genuine it is and his gut is no longer an anchor, it's more a buoy. He clings to the feeling all through the night, barely getting any sleep with his tossing and turning, but by morning, the feeling is gone.

-o-O-o-

It's harder to leave the second time, Hijikata had known it would be. It's why he keeps himself busy, why he doesn't really give himself the time to go back. It's hard to leave. Everything he does is for his family, so having to leave it all behind is difficult, even if it's for the best. He hadn't known growing up would be like this or feel this way and had he known, he never would have wished for it. He's sure every kid says they can't wait to grow up, he said it many times after seeing what a great man Tamegoro had grown into, but now Hijikata wishes to be a kid again. Things were simpler then, less complicated, not so many things to think or worry about. It's that aching in his chest speaking again and Hijikata tries to ignore it by shoving it into a dark hole, he doesn't need those kinds of thoughts or feelings.

He'd gotten up earlier than necessary and made it the train station with plenty of time. No one had come in to see him off this time, he'd said his farewells back at the house. He needs to visit more, they say, and he can't put into words why it's so hard to do that. So, he nods and tells them what they want to hear, which feels fake and wrong, but it's the best he can do.

He makes it back to campus and immediately starts up his routine again. With no school for a couple more weeks, Hijikata works more with the thought that it's good to save up money. Which it _is_ good, but it's an excuse, a cover, and he's all too aware of that. On his first Monday back, it's going on six in the evening and Hijikata gets back to his apartment from work early. Water main broke and they had to close that building down, which mean, regrettably, Hijikata won't be able to work for a few days or however long it takes for them to fix it. It's still cold out, his nose is a little runny by the time he's taking off his layers and changing into his baggy pants and worn tee. He's not hungry yet, so he grabs some blankets off his bed and takes them to the couch where he wants to watch some TV to give himself something to look at.

He's about to sit when there's a loud knock on the door. Hijikata is instantly annoyed, he doesn't know who it might be and he doesn't want anyone bothering him right now. He almost doesn't answer, but the knock comes again, this time in the form of an old show tune and suddenly Hijikata can't get to the door fast enough. He grapples with the locks and throws it open to get smacked in the face with the image of Gintoki.

“The hell are you doin' here?”

“Thought I'd drop by and see your place,” Gintoki replies with a shrug, drawing attention to the fact that he really doesn't have anything else with him except a plastic bag and the clothes he's wearing. “You took too long inviting me, m'kinda offended.” Hijikata is frozen in the door. “Ya gonna let me in or what?”

He steps aside and Gintoki comes strolling in with all the familiarity of someone who has been there before. He takes off his jacket and throws it onto the back of the couch, which Hijikata then picks up and puts on a hook to the right of the door he just shut and locked back up.

“How'd you know I'd even be here?” As soon as the words leave his mouth, he's already asking, “And how'd you even know where I live?”

“The first was a lucky guess and I called your bro for the second, he told me.”

“Ah.”

“Here, for you,” Gintoki says and thumps the plastic bag into Hijikata's chest as he makes for the fridge. “You better appreciate that, the fuckin' thing was hard to find.”

He opens the bag and snorts at the copy of _The Evil Dead_ , a slasher, gory movie he'd mentioned he wanted to see.“Shouldn't have wasted your money buyin' the thing. Coulda waited till it came out on the network.”

“Where the fuck is your beer?”

“Bottom shelf in the drawer.”

“Oh. Phew! Was startin' to get a little worried there.” He pulls out two and kicks the door shut with his foot. “I didn't buy it. Stole it from Okita-kun while he was outside chasing Ka-chan down. She'd lit a bag of dog shit on his porch 'cause she knew I was over there.” He looks around and Hijikata does, too. The place is clean, but also bare with little to no decoration. The windows are covered by the shades, which keeps everything pretty dark and aside from the small kitchenette, there's a couch and a TV on the wall, but that's it. The bathroom is through the bedroom and the whole place is only a few big steps from one side to the other, tiny and cheap. “Not bad. Could use a little more light, but I like it.”

“It's usually brighter in here, but that ceiling socket,” he points up at it, “has a bad bulb.”

Gintoki plops down on the couch and uncaps his beer. “You should fix that.” He takes a drink and makes a satisfied noise afterward. “Feels good to get here. The train ride was fine, but I had no idea where I was goin' once I left the station.”

“That's what phones are for, dumbass.”

It's natural having Gintoki around and it's so easy to just sit down next to him on the shitty little couch Hijikata had been given from the previous owners. He knows he doesn't have to offer anything or ask if there's something special Gintoki wants to do. Gintoki comes in and sits on the couch, that's what he wants to do. Gintoki gets up and says he wants Hijikata to show him around, then they leave and that's what they do. They're simple like that, easy. If they both want to do different things, they compromise and either decide on one or do something else. Sure, they bicker often enough, but there _is_ such a thing as bickering while getting along.

“Well, I wandered around till I found the place instead. What'd you do today?”

“Worked. I actually just got back 'bout a half hour ago.”

They fall into easy conversation and Gintoki doesn't look out of place being in his apartment. He's wearing new clothes again, the pants Hijikata recognizes from over break, but the shirt is different. It's white with big blue swirls around the hem and smaller swirls at the end of each short sleeve. It hugs Gintoki's body pretty tight, but in a way that makes it look fitted instead of too small for him. Leave it to Gintoki to wear short sleeves in the winter time and the thing is, Gintoki never gets sick in cold weather. It's only during the hottest months that Gintoki has ever fallen ill and even that doesn't happen very often, lucky bastard.

“When ya have t'leave?” Hijikata asks, dreading the answer.

“Tomorrow.”

“Ah.”

Hijikata can't even look at him right now, so his eyes stray to the opposite side at nothing in particular. Of course Gintoki would have to leave soon, he didn't bring anything with him, just the movie that's still in the bag over on the counter in the kitchenette. His mind is already supplying different ways he might be able to use to get Gintoki to stay longer, but they're ridiculous, he's being ridiculous.

“Yeah,” Gintoki goes on, “I've got some stuff to do around noon, but after that I'll be happy to let you treat me to lunch.”

Hijikata is surprised enough to look over. “Around noon? The fuck do ya have t'do around here?”

“Orientation stuff,” Gintoki replies and pulls a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket. He shoves it into Hijikata's chest until he takes it and scratches the back of his neck. “Get my ID thing, meet my adviser, shit like that. I've saved up enough that I'll be fine so long as I can find a part time job. You'll have to help me with that, I don't know a thing about this area.” While he's talking, Hijikata opens up the paper with fingers that don't seem to want to work and stares down at the blank ink of the official acceptance letter. “This apartment is fine, but this couch has got to go.”

With a heady rush of adrenaline, Hijikata punches him in the chest. “You _asshole!_ ”

“What?” Gintoki shrills. “Sorry if you've grown weirdly attached to the couch, but it's awful!”

“God, no! Not the couch, moron! _This!_ ” He waves the paper in Gintoki's face, then punches him again even harder, he knows it will leave a sizable bruise. “You should have started out with this you,” punch, “goddamn,” punch, “natural perm,” his next punch gets thwarted when Gintoki catches his wrist, but Hijikata still yells, “idiot!”

Hijikata's breathing hard and he knows his face is red up to his ears, but he can't help it. He has to rip his wrist out of Gintoki's grasp so he can get up and move and pace and growl to himself while he glares at Gintoki, waiting for an answer.

“Start out with it? What does that mean?” Gintoki asks and his beer joins Hijikata's on the floor.

“Called or sent me a text, somethin'! But _no_ , you just show up here n'give it t'me like you were handin' me another beer!”

Gintoki is trying to remain as calm as he can, but it's obvious he's not understanding, though, Hijikata doesn't quite get it, either. So much is crashing into him all at once that he doesn't know what to feel or how to feel. This is what happens when they don't talk about shit, when they don't say to each other what's really on their minds with the stuff that matters. It all builds up and comes boiling over in a messy rush.

“Maybe you're right, but I just... had to be sure.”

“Sure of _what_?” Hijikata snaps and he's shaking. “What in the fuck did you have to so fuckin' sure of that you couldn't tell me beforehand that you got accepted or fuck you, even that you were applying?”

That gets a rise out of Gintoki and he stands, meeting Hijikata's gaze head on with squared shoulders. His eyes are hard, like twin gleaming sapphires, and Hijikata doesn't think he'll ever fully get used to the bright shade of red they are.

“Sure that you wanted me here.”

Hijikata can't stop shaking and his fingers are holding the paper so tight he's crinkling it. “That doesn't make any fuckin' sense!” It really doesn't, but not much makes sense when Hijikata's head feels like there's fingers of icicles raking through his brain. “So, what? You'll go here now, is that it?”

“That's the idea, yeah! Glad you're finally getting it!”

“You can't do that!”

“Of course I can! Why can't I?”

“Because you love it back home! You have everything there!”

“Not everything,” Gintoki retorts sharply. “You were taking too long to get your ass back! You barely even visit!”

“I was there for the holidays!”

Gintoki claps his hands in slow condescension. “Congrats! You visited exactly one time in close to four months and you even stayed for a few days, good job!”

“I was busy!” Hijikata hollers and throws a punch at Gintoki's face that gets dodged.

“I don't want your lame excuses! And I don't want to be stuck there waiting anymore!”

Hijikata can hear a fizzing noise in his head, like his very thoughts are frying in a hot pan. “You can't give your life up for me!”

“I'm not giving anything up, you ass!”

That's... not what he'd meant to say. Hijikata pauses and his brain desperately tries to play catch up. Gintoki's answer is like a reverberating church bell against the confines of his skull and for the life of him, he can't think up a response to it. Their chests are heaving from yelling and he can't begin to ponder what his neighbors might think, he doesn't care what they think, anyway. This doesn't feel real. He hears what Gintoki is telling him, but his instant reaction is to shove it away because he's not worth this. For Gintoki to come to his apartment, to his school, to leave everything behind just to be with him, that doesn't make sense. That's stupid. He's not worth that. He's _not_.

“W-why're you doing this?” Hijikata asks harshly, he's glaring still, but no longer pacing, he has lead weights in his feet.

Gintoki snarls a truly frustrated sound. “You idiot! Do you really not get it? I needed to be sure so that when I do _this_ , you won't be surprised!” Quickly, much too quickly for Hijikata to keep up, Gintoki grabs his face and slams their mouths together. Like a kick in the gut, Hijikata's breath whooshes out of his nose and he can't breathe. The kiss is short, a press of their lips, a collision of their noses, and Gintoki is pulling back. He studies Hijikata's face and his brows are furrowed, determined and pissed. But in the space of a second, there's a flash of uncertainty and his bluster drops. “I did it and you look surprised.”

Hijikata's mouth works, but it takes awhile for anything to come out. He's not just surprised, he's downright shocked, but somewhere deep down he'd known something like that was going to happen. Even deeper down in a place where Hijikata refuses to shine any light is the whisper of the way Hijikata had _hoped_ something like this would happen.

But because this is how he is and he doesn't know what to do, Hijikata settles on punching Gintoki in the face and going outside. He pinches a finger when he's shoving the locks open and he slams the door behind him before he has his back to the wall and he's sliding down to put his face between his knees. Gintoki doesn't follow, he's not supposed to and he knows it. Hijikata needs space, time to clear his head, it's how they are when they fight. Fighting is different from bickering. When they fight, they leave each other alone for awhile if they need to, but always with the knowledge that no matter how bad the fight is, they'll work it out and be okay afterward.

It's the same this time, it'll always be like this, and that's what allows Hijikata to breathe. It's absurd, but he feels like he might cry. He won't, of course, it's just that ripping feeling inside his chest, relief so potent and stark, he's in some kind of shock. The paper is still clutched in his hand and he glances at it from between his legs and immediately smooths it back out. He hadn't meant to crinkle it and so carefully folds it back up, but doesn't let go of it. Breathing easier, he leans his head back against the wall with closed eyes and rests his arms on his knees instead of having them wrapped around himself. He stays like that for a long time, simply breathing, focusing on the basics.

The cold is what drives him back inside and instead of having too many thoughts, he now has too few. It's that up and down, the rise of feelings that are going to choke him and the inability to know what to do with them. He thought about as much as he could when he was sitting and some things had come to mind, things that made him blush, and he doesn't want to ask, but he also really does. He needs to ask some things, needs to be sure that Gintoki is sure, and he needs to know that this is really happening because right now it feels like a cruel dream he'll wake up from at any second.

He won't tell anyone that he slapped himself before going back inside just to be sure he wouldn't suddenly find himself staring at his bedroom ceiling.

When he goes back inside, the rush of warm air feels good to his half-frozen body and he finds Gintoki sitting on the couch. He looks mostly relaxed with his beer back in his hand, though it's empty and it looks like he finished Hijikata's as well and spent his time carefully ripping off the labels from both. Swallowing, gathering his frayed nerves, Hijikata goes and sits down next to him, right on one of the blankets he'd pulled out earlier. Gintoki gives him more time and sitting in the quiet is actually more of a comfort because it's not awkward like it would be with anyone else. Even with such a heavy topic, things are easier with Gintoki and that's just another strike to Hijikata's heart, a reminder of how much he wants this.

He does want it, that much he knows. But he can't shake the feeling that he's not worth it and that wars with the sudden rise of selfishness that screams that if he can keep one thing for himself, just _one_ , this is it. Gintoki is offering it, all Hijikata has to do is take it, but – there's always a bitter _but_ for Hijikata – he has to make things less muddled or he'll never be sure.

“That night on the porch...” Hijikata shifts slightly, eyes darting to Gintoki, “you almost k-kissed me, didn't you?”

Gintoki watches him with an elbow now propped up on the armrest so his head can sit in the cradle of his hand, the beer is on the floor. “You'd looked like you wanted me to.”

Hijikata flinches, he can actually believe that even though kissing or being kissed hadn't been on his mind at the time. He'd only wanted more time with Gintoki, but he's slowly realizing that the two things coincide in their similarity of desire.

“Ah.”

There's a quiet scoff from the other end of the couch and Gintoki's knee comes out to bump into Hijikata's lightly. “After flirting with you so much, I almost went through with it.”

“Wait, you were flirting with me?”

Gintoki's head rocks back in offense. “Shamelessly, you dense fuck! The whole goddamn time!”

Hijikata blinks and thinks back, but this time in the right context. He has seen Gintoki flirt loads of times and it always had surprised – and annoyed – Hijikata that the bastard is good at it. It comes naturally to him with smiling and being affectionate and curiously thoughtful. Not to mention that Gintoki is handsome, even when he's in his lame striped pajamas, he still looks good. So now when Hijikata actually thinks about it, his eyes bulge and his face fuses red.

“Oh.”

It hadn't seemed like flirting at the time because Hijikata is used to Gintoki being that way, but even then, the last time had been different. There had been more touching, more looks, more shoulders brushing, more playful teasing – fuck, Gintoki had put his mouth to Hijikata's ear at one point at Kyuubei's and the music hadn't been loud enough to warrant that. He hadn't noticed. It'd been right there and it had completely flown right over his head. The only reason he can fathom as to why is that he'd wanted it so much. Being apart for so long, then suddenly getting the company he'd missed perhaps the most of all, flirting had never come to mind.

Maybe he'd concluded that Gintoki had missed their time together too and was merely taking what he could get while he had the chance. Maybe still the flirting had felt so fluid that Hijikata had just assumed it to be a new extended part of their friendship.

But it had been flirting.

And Hijikata had liked every second of it.

It's embarrassing that his face is so red, but because it's Gintoki, he doesn't feel the need to hide it – as if he could. He tilts his head so he's able to look Gintoki up and down and he can tell his friend is nervous. It's not noticeable, not like it is with Hijikata the way he's sitting ramrod straight with his shoulders pinched inward and his fingers wanting to curl into fists. With Gintoki it's how his fingers quietly drum on his thigh every few seconds and how he his eyes flick from one thing to the next.

“So... the clothes?”

Gintoki's mouth twists into a not-smile. “Do you like them?”

Hijikata has to sit quietly for a moment because there's a thing about their clothes, they've always shared them. When Gintoki spent the night, he'd take one of Hijikata's shirts to have something clean to wear and leave whatever he'd worn the day before. That's why Hijikata had been so familiar with Gintoki's wardrobe, he'd steal Gintoki's clothes, too, when he stayed at Otose's. It was just a thing they did and it was easier than having to bring fresh clothes back and forth. It happened so often throughout the years that it became difficult to discern whose shirt or sweatshirt or jacket or pants belonged to whom. Sometimes it was easy to figure out because if a shirt was a little big on Hijikata, then it belonged to Gintoki since he has broader shoulders and a wider waist.

Those were the shirts Hijikata wore the most.

One Christmas, Tamegoro had gotten Hijikata a really nice long sleeve and he remembers how he'd had to go upstairs for a bit because his brother had mentioned, _I thought you'd like that style, but I wasn't sure if the colors would look better on you or Gintoki._ It'd been a joke, but it was perhaps the first time Hijikata had been made aware that he and Gintoki didn't quite have a friendship like most other people. Hijikata certainly never shared clothes with Kondo and Mitsuba had taken one of his shirts once, but that was just because it had shrunk after he'd washed it wrong and she'd liked it.

And he suddenly feels something like a creep because of all the clothes he brought with him to college, there's one he hasn't washed yet. He doesn't wear it anymore, but he used to wear it every night. It's the last shirt Gintoki had worn and for a couple weeks it'd smelled like him. It lost its scent over time, but Hijikata still refuses to wash it and keeps it on a hanger in his closet like a relic. It's becoming more and more apparent just how pathetic he is.

He eyes Gintoki's shirt and he nods like a stupid bobble head. He does, he likes the clothes very much and remembers how the black one had shown off that teasing patch of creamy skin at the bottom. It's unfathomable that Gintoki got them just to attract Hijikata's attention, even more unfathomable how it'd worked so well, and Hijikata just feels kind of stupid for not realizing these things sooner.

“They're nice.”

Nice doesn't encompass how well they show off Gintoki's body, giving the shape of his firmness, teasing with the rise of muscle, but actually reveal nothing. Gintoki has always been fit, which doesn't make sense with the amount of cloying substances he consumes, so, the clothes are nice. But nice is an understatement, it's also the best Hijikata can come up with. He's still eying Gintoki's shirt, the line of his body, and his mind strays to the thought that he knows what's underneath the top half, but not the bottom.

And, of course, Hijikata picks the worst time to stare at the bulge in the front of Gintoki's jeans. There's an avalanche inside Hijikata's body and his palms get sweaty because he's stupid and this is his best friend and he's staring at his dick like he's expecting it to spring out of his pants. There's a tingling at the back of his head, cold little prickles, and he must be in far deeper than he ever thought because the idea of seeing or touching all of Gintoki does the exact opposite of revolt him.

“You wanna have sex?” Hijikata blurts, his voice rising at the end in panic.

For the first time, Gintoki splutters and seems to have trouble with his words. “ _Hah_? Wha – now? It's a little soon, don't you think? How'd you go from flirting right to sex?”

“Ahhh!” He can't believe he actually screams. “N-n-no! That's not, not what I m-meant! With me! You wanna d-do that with m-me!”

Gintoki throws his hands up. “Eventually! Not right away, but – someday probably!”

“ _Probably?_ You don't know?”

“No! Well, I mean, yes! I – ugh!” Gintoki slaps a hand over Hijikata's mouth and shushes him when he tries to speak around it. He's only about a foot away from Hijikata's face and he smells good and the bob of his throat when he swallows is distracting. “Okay. Listen. Yes, when we're both ready I wanna do the dirty with you.”

Hijikata's blush reaches the level of a solar flare and he thinks his eyes might be crossing with how hard he's trying to both look away and keep his eyes on Gintoki. _Do the dirty_ , that's not even sexy, that's dumb, but it's good enough for Hijikata to stick his tongue out and lick Gintoki's palm to get him to remove his hand. When he does, Hijikata sits back against the couch, uncomfortable from how tense he still is, but he still doesn't feel awkward. True, his mouth just ran away with him and he mentioned sex long before he should have, but whatever, they're figuring this out as they go. He stays quiet and breathes, still coming to grips, still so completely out of his depth with most everything.

After awhile, Gintoki's fingers touch the back of Hijikata's hand and he freezes. They don't look at each other, eyes are on everything else, and Hijikata nearly chokes on his next breath before unsteadily turning his hand so it's palm up. It's honestly some kind of terrifying when Gintoki's fingers slide up between the spaces of his own and their palms press together. Heat explodes along Hijikata's cheeks and they still don't look at each other as they subtly adjust their hands to properly link their fingers.

They sit like that and Hijikata is painfully aware of how sweaty his palm is – he's nervous, he can't help it! – and also aware of how okay it feels. Leave it to Gintoki to turn his world upside down in the span of a single fucking afternoon and still make everything feel right even though it has all changed again. With only a single shift, the entire dynamics of their relationship has changed, but without ever _really_ changing. They're still the same, it's still them, but the ground they're walking on is new, fresh, uncharted.

“You're really gonna stay?” Hijikata asks quietly, a whisper, like he doesn't dare speak it too loud.

“Well, no, I've gotta leave tomorrow –” Hijikata kicks him. “Ahh-ha-ha – ouchies!”

“You know what I meant, bastard!”

“Boo, I was only teasing,” Gintoki says, pulling a face. But then he gives Hijikata's hand the smallest of tentative squeezes and offers a careful, “Yeah, if you want me to.”

Hijikata nods, he doesn't need to think about it. The initial shock has worn off and it's easier to think now, but he's still pretty shaken. He knows this is what Gintoki wants, he wouldn't be here if it weren't, so that's why Hijikata can nod. Fuck not feeling worth it, he wants Gintoki so goddamn much that he doesn't care what he has to do to keep him. Even if Gintoki was only going to come as a friend, Hijikata would still want it, that he's offering more and Hijikata is getting more is a bonus and pretty incredible as a whole. But when it gets right down to the raw of it, all Hijikata wants is for Gintoki to be with him.

He still has the paper in his other hand and Hijikata looks at it again and runs his thumbs over the worn creases. The _really_ worn creases, so worn that the paper has started to get that fuzzy look and feel in those spots. Frowning, he really studies it, taking in the way all the corners are flopped over and how there's a little tear where the center folds in. It makes him wonder how many times Gintoki must have opened it since he got it and how long he carried it around in his pocket. He must be proud of it, he really should be – this isn't the easiest school to get into.

“Can I keep this?”

Gintoki glances over and shrugs. “If you want, it's just a piece of paper.”

Hijikata wants to tell him that it's not, it's so much more than that, but instead he nods and carefully sets it aside on the armrest. He'll put it someplace special, like in the old cigar box he has hidden underneath his bed, it belongs there, he thinks. From this point on, he knows things will be different, he can already feel it happening. Campus will look different, he'll start to have a connection to it, it and everything else will come to life for him and the daunting air about it will evaporate. Sure, he and Gintoki might have a different relationship now, but they themselves won't change, Gintoki will still be his best friend, the steady rock that will keep the loneliness at bay.

Clearing his throat, Hijikata's foot nudges Gintoki's. “Could you... ah... t-try it. Again.”

He doesn't need to tell Gintoki what he's talking about, he already knows. So, Hijikata turns when he feels a hand on his shoulder and he sucks in a quick breath as Gintoki – the stupid, stupid moron, idiot, bastard – lets go of his hand to cups his cheeks like he had before. It's slower, Hijikata has time to process it, to watch Gintoki closely and take in the small details on his face. The flicker of his eyes, the shadow of his lashes, the small part of his lips, and the tiniest of tiny red splotches on the crest of either cheek. He leans in and even though Hijikata is ready, his eyes still close and his brows furrow. It's the porch all over again, the feeling of free falling and not knowing if there's a net at the bottom to catch him.

Gintoki's lips touch his and Hijikata inhales through his nose, if only to make sure he can actually breathe a little this time. A hand raises to cover one of Gintoki's with his own, squeezing tight because it's striking him with all the subtlety of a tsunami that he gets to _keep this_. Gintoki wants to stay with him, is willing to give up everything he knows just to stay. His mouth moves against Gintoki's and it doesn't feel wrong or weird at all to be kissing him. He can see himself doing a lot more of this, he already knows he wants to, that floodgate has been opened and it's never going to close.

It's just the one kiss and it parts with a soft sound, but Hijikata doesn't open his eyes. Gintoki's forehead touches his own, their legs are tangled in some way on the floor and on the couch, Hijikata dares to raise his other hand slide it along the back of Gintoki's neck just to hold on a little tighter and touch a little more. His scent is so familiar and Hijikata lets it fill his head and his shoulders finally relax, though his heart is still racing.

“I've gotta be honest about something though.” Hijikata nudges his forehead against Gintoki's to prompt him. “The couch really does have to go.”

Hijikata barks out a laugh and it's the first one his apartment has ever heard, but it won't be the last.

**THE END**


End file.
